But Headmaster!
by Sikanna
Summary: Harry goes to the headmaster with a problem...
1. Chapter 1

**But Headmaster..!**

Author: Sikanna

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Harry Potter, Rowling does.

Harry Potter, The-Boy-Who-Refused-To-Friggin-Die-Already, stared at Albus Dumbledore in shock.

"You're joking."

"I assure you Harry, I am not."

"But Headmaster..!"

"I'm sorry, Harry."

Harry slumped back in the plush chair in front of the Headmaster's desk and tried to overcome his shock...and fear.

Not even Fawkes could sing well enough to fix this one.

"Is there any way I can get out of it?" the boy asked the old man helplessly.

Dumbledore stared into the entreating eyes of one of his most promising students and sighed wearily. "Harry, if there was anything I could do to change things, I would. Unfortunately..." He let the sentence hang as he watched the resigned and despondant expression settle over Harry's features.

Harry Potter bravely stood to his feet. "It was nice knowing you, Professor Dumbledore. Don't worry, I'm sure you'll be able to find someone to defeat Voldemort after I die."

"Now Harry, there is no need for theatrics, things aren't that ba..."

His words of reasurrance were abruptly cut off when his Potions Master barged into his office with a roar of pure rage.

**"ALBUS!"**

"Severus, what can I do fo..."

Once again he was cut off as Snape continued to 'speak'.

**"THERE IS NO BLOODY WAY IN HELL THAT I'M DOING IT! I WILL GO TO THE DARK LORD AND TELL HIM TO HIS FACE THAT HE NEEDS TO TAKE THE TREE TRUNK OUT OF HIS ARSE AND GET A LIFE BEFORE I WILL, AND THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT!"**

For a moment the only sound in the room was the sound of Snape's labored breathing.

Cautiously Harry spoke up. "Um, Professor...maybe I should leave..."

He shrank back, as an enraged Potions Professor turned to him, voice coming out in a dangerous hiss. _"You..."_

Having survived this long had given Harry very good survival instincts. Instincts that in this case, he didn't need, to know how to act. He leaped out of his chair and began inching toward the door, wishing with every fiber of his being that he hadn't been allowed to come back to Hogwarts a month early, and babbling as fast as he could.

"I'mreallysorryProfessorSnape,IswearIdidn'tmeantoandIalreadyaskedtheHeadmaster,buthesaidhecouldn'tdoanything,andthatIwouldhavetogothroughwithitandyoucan'tkillmeyetIdon'thaveawill! AndIknowthatdoesn'tmattertoyoubutitmatterstomeandifyoukillmenowIwon'tbeabletosaygood-byetoRonorHermioneandwhowillfeedmyowlandifIdiewhatwouldhappentotheQuidditchTeam,theyjustmademeCaptainandIreallyshouldn'havesaidthatsinceyou'retheSlytherinHeadofHouseandreallygettickedwhensomeoneremindsyouthatSlytherinhaslosttheCupeveryyearsinceIgothereandIreaaaaalllyshouldn'thavesaidthat'causeyourfaceisturningpurpleandI'msorryHeadmasterandProfessorSnapebutIjustrememberedthatIhavetogonow...Bye!"

("I'm really sorry Professor Snape, I swear I didn't mean to and I already asked the Headmaster, but he said he couldn't do anything, and that I would have to go through with it, and you can't kill me yet I don't have a will! And I know that doesn't matter to you but it matters to me and if you kill me now I won't be able to say good-bye to Ron or Hermione and who will feed my owl and if I die what would happen to the Quidditch Team, they just made me Captain and I really shouldn't have said that since you're the Slytherin Head of House and really get ticked when someone reminds you that Slytherin has lost the Cup every year since I got here and I reaaaaallly shouldn't have said that 'cause your face is turning purple and I'm sorry Headmaster and Professor Snape but I just remembered that I have to go now...Bye!")

By the end of this, Harry had inched close enough to the door to escape before Snape could explode.

No longer having an obvoius outlet for his anger, Snape turned back to Albus, eye practically spasming.

During Harry's spiel, Dumbledore had been unsuccessfully been trying not to laugh, but when Severus turned and looked at him, he simply lost it.

"I'm sorry, my boy" he claimed once he regained control "I couldn't help myself."

He cut off Snape before he could speak. "I'm sorry Severus, but as I told Harry, there is nothing I can do. Harry passed his Potions exam, got an O, in fact. As such, he must be put in your Advanced Potions class."

"But Albus..!"

"No buts, Harry will be in your class this Term and there is nothing either of you can do about it." This was said in a firm tone that indicated Dumbledore would not be changing his mind.

Snape gathered himself together, and with all the dignity he could muster, turned and stalked from the room.

Wincing when the door slammed shut, Albus Dumbledore turned to his faithful companion. "Well Fawkes, how about a wager...how many detentions will Harry get this year? I know you won last year but I'm sure to win this time!"

Fawkes gave a trill and eyed the Headmaster in challenge.

**The End**

A/N : My Slayers fic was a bust, maybe this one'll do better.


	2. Chapter 2: A Plea for Help

But Headmaster..!

Author: Sikanna

Chapter Two: A Plea for Help

Harry didn't stop running until he reached the owlery. He really needed some emotional support, and he didn't think he would get it from any of the teachers. 'Now that I think of it, I probably won't get any sympathy from Hermione either…' Right, that meant he needed Weasleys. Specifically, three Weasleys-Ron, Gred, and Forge.

He also needed the joke shop, firecrackers, Peeves, and his invisibility cloak.

He already had a death wish; that was proven when he passed his Potions exam. If he was going to die, he was going out in style. And taking Snape with him. His sanity, anyway.

He grabbed one of the school owls 'Can't use Hedwig, Snape could see her, and figure out where I'm hiding- the Greasy Git probably thinks I'm in the Gryffindor Dorm, or one of the towers…like I'd be stupid enough to cut off my own escape.'

He held the owl, yelping when he was pecked for waking it, and belatedly remembered that he didn't have anything to write a note with 'What to do…what to do…got it!'

"I hope this works. Dobby!"

Dobby the House Elf popped in front of him, making him jump.

"Dobby is pleased to see HarryPotter, Sir, but HarryPotter, Sir is not supposed to be calling Dobby. Dobby is not supposed to be answering calls from students. Ooh, Dobby is a bad Elf…Bad…bad…bad!"

With each 'bad' Dobby proceeded to bash his head against one of the cages, making the unfortunate owl inside hoot angrily.

"Dobby…Dobby! DOBBY!" Harry shouted as softly as he could (he didn't want anyone else to hear him).

"Yes HarryPotter, Sir?" Dobby asked, punishment forgotten.

"I need you to do me a favor. Could you get me some parchment, quill, and ink? I really need to post some letters…it's an emergency!"

Dobby eyed Harry for a moment before nodding "Dobby can do HarryPotter, Sir a favor, Dobby will be right back."

He vanished with another pop.

Harry slumped in relief, he really didn't want to leave the owlery. He supposed that if Dobby had refused, he could have used 'Accio' to get the supplies, but he didn't really want to risk Snape, or another teacher spotting writing supplies float by, they might follow!

When Dobby popped back, Harry suppressed his yelp…Dobby might try to punish himself for scaring him.

"Thanks Dobby, and I promise I'll try to remember that students aren't supposed to call House Elves, ok?"

When Dobby left, Harry began writing.

_Ron,_

_Hope you're having a good summer; mine just ended. It's bad, mate. Real bad._

_I passed my Potions exam._

_I know we both swore that we'd fail (who knew we could actually be decent at something that Git teaches, huh) but I swear it was an accident!_

_And it gets worse, mate._

_Snape knows._

_And I might have…upset him a little when he went up to the Headmaster's office while I was there trying to get out of taking Advanced Potions._

_I know he's gonna kill me when classes start (I don't plan on letting him see me before), so I plan on going out Marauder's style. Wanna help? I'm also sending a letter to the twins. _

_Any ideas on how to bribe Peeves?_

_The-Boy-Who-Wishes-Voldie-had-Killed-Him,_

_Harry Potter_

After handing his letter to the owl and watching it fly off, he began on the second one.

_Gred & Forge,_

_Do you remember about our 'Things-to-do-to-drive-Snape-Bonkers' Plan?_

_Of course you do, silly me._

_Anyway, I need it put into effect._

_I passed Potions._

_I'm afraid you're gonna be short one silent partner after this term._

_As part of the second generation of the Marauders, I nobly entreat thee…_

_Pleasepleasedon'tlethimkillmewithoutgivingmeachancetodrivehiminsane!_

_(Please please don't let him kill me without giving me a chance to drive him insane!)_

_Eagerly awaiting your owl,_

_Your Silent Partner,_

_Harry Potter_

_P.S. How do I bribe Peeves?_

After sending off the letter (the second owl bit him instead of pecking), he hid…ahem, relaxed, in the corner to wait for their replies.

Three hours later, Harry jumped as something whacked him on the face, waking him from his slumber.

Two owls, legs out impatiently, waited to be relieved of their burdens. When Harry took the letters, the owls hooted angrily at him, and flew back to their perches, to resume their interrupted naps.

Harry eagerly opened the first letter, the poor condition, telling him it was Ron's. He really needed to stop wrinkling his parchment…it did not make storage easier.

_Harry,_

_Dang mate, tough luck about the exam. You know I'm with ya all the way; we'll get that Git!_

_The twins are here visiting, so you'll get their letter at the same time as mine (I'm just glad they're on _our_ side!)_

_See ya soon,_

_Ron_

_P.S. The twins would know a better way to bribe Peeves then I would...don't think he's like being threatened._

Harry grinned in relief, though he knew Ron wouldn't refuse to help, and opened the twins' letter.

_Greetings, **And Salutations**,_

_We're with you **All the way, Mate.**_

_As pranksters we feel… **It is our duty to assist…** You in your plan…_

_**For our favorite Professor/test subject.**_

_**Got to, go…** Mum's calling, **Gred & Forge**_

_P.S The best way to bribe Peeves...**is to let him help…and give him the extra supplies!**_

Grinning, Harry put away his letters, pleased to have confirmed help.

After checking the Marauder's Map for teachers, Harry made his way toward a certain poltergeist.

He had some bribing to do.

A/N: I'd like to thank my first reviewers ever…even though I've never posted my stuff before and it's my own fault…

Princess-Perfect : I'm glad you liked the chapter, the idea popped into my head yesterday and I had to write it down. The bit with Fawkes and Albus was something of an afterthought-it didn't seem complete without it. 

**Em0s3xual : **I wasn't really planning on doing anything more with this, but you asked for more…hope you like it!

**poison blossom : **Making people laugh is fun…and contagious. I don't always make humor fics, but I plan on making this one as silly as I can, without it becoming ridiculous.


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